'So many tears I cried...so much pain inside...baby, it ain't over til it's over.....' these words kept on playing inside my head....as i clutched the crumpled letter in my hand. My knuckles turned white as i continue to trample the paper with all my strength.
I was a young freshman two years ago....so much insecurity inside me as I entered university in a new place...wanting to belong to this new culture that astounded me. I tried to find my "niche" and smiled at everyone i meet along the hallways, in the library, chancing upon someone who can be my friend.
Days passed, I have a few acquaintances in different groups but still don't feel that I am part of someone, or somebody's group. I met you under the oak tree just outside the main hall. You had the face that can just disappear into the crowd, an expression that implied you clearly shielded yourself from the whole world....not wanting to be part of it. Curiosity got the better of me and I started to sit near the oak tree during breaktime and I couldn't help but steal a glance every 5 minutes or so. You became a mystery to me, your face became a familiar image everytime I close my eyes. It wasn't until you really looked at me did I realize I am starting to be obsessed with you. You approached me, and I smiled, expecting this was the day I will be your friend at last. You scowled at me, and told me clearly you didn't like the way I looked at you. Tears welled up in my eyes....clearly embarassed at what I have started. I waited for you to turn away before I wiped my tears.
I almost forgot about what happened until I bumped into you in the cafeteria. I didn't know if I should drop my tray and run away or just proceed as if nothing happened. You said sorry and I just nodded. I thought that was it. When I sat down, I was surprised to see you sit down in front of me. You said sorry again and I nodded just to stop the embarassment I'm feeling. 'I meant sorry for the other day. I was rude.' It didn't sink in too well as I got lost into the beauty of your eyes. It somehow gave me an idea of what is inside you, the pain, the hurt. I caught myself dreaming again and brought myself back to reality--telling you it's ok.
It all happened so fast--we became friends, then best friends, and then, we were together. But you always made it clear, we are together BUT...there are a number of clauses after this word but what struck me was that we don't have a commitment between us. I thought this was ok at first, but as we count the days, months, i feared to admit the fact that i'm falling so deep into you. I tried to conceal that feeling inside me...that fear that lives within me....scared that one day, you'll just go away.
I did everything to make you change your mind...dressed better for you, learned to cook, to manage my time so that I can help you with your studies. But nothing seemed to help....nothing at all. I wanted to make you feel how important I am in your life by just ignoring you and your whims. It didn't work. I was at the losing end. I was the one who cried.
It was your last year in university(finally!) and you said you wanted to move forward. Leave all the immature stuff you're used to. I jokingly asked if I'm included in your list of things to dispose of after graduation? You looked at me and tried to utter something but said, no of course not. I knew there was something you wanted to say but you hesitated...for whatever reason. My fears became bigger than me as each day passed by. I knew I was trying to hold on to false hopes...but I wanted to anyway.
Until you graduated. On the day of graduation, you were too busy yet you looked too happy. I didn't want to ruin your 'moment of glory'...I figured I can talk to you before you leave next week. But we didn't have the time to see each other that day...or the days that followed. I was trying to reach you via your friends, head master of your dorm...literally everyone I meet in school. 2 wks from your graduation, you sent me a letter....a letter that sent my heart crashing into the wall.
As my knuckles turned white....tears started rolling through my cheeks. I believed I did everything...was everything anyone would have wished for....was everything for you. But I don't know if I could move on without you. I am so used to be by your side, doing everything that can please you, everything...anything that required giving myself more than I should. Kravitz had a point when he said, "it ain't over ....til it's over..." but I interpreted it in a different way...I guess my point is my heart won't stop hurting until I stop loving you. That was the big question...will I ever stop loving you? will it be actually over?
'So many tears I cried...so much pain inside...baby, it ain't over, til it's over...."
